Truth Before Dishonor

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The Problem With Facial Hair

Posted by John Hitchcock on 2009/12/03

For roughly 22 of the last 26 years, I have had facial hair. During my time in the Corps, with the exception of BCT and AIT, I had a mustache of very limited length. Prior to the Corps, I sported a wild wider-than-your-head beard. After I left the Corps, I again sported a beard. But I got a job with JB Hunt, which had a no-beards rule. So I returned to mustache alone, but this time it was much larger and much longer.

When I left JB Hunt, my beard miraculously returned. While there was a brief time during this post-JB time where I had no beard or mustache, most of the time I have had both. At one point in time, my hair reached well beyond the mid-point of my back and my beard actually hit my belt. And when I picked up my then-sixth grade daughter from school, kids were actually hanging out of the school bus windows to yell “ZZ Top Rules!”

While I still sport a beard and mustache, my beard is far shorter and much closer to “professional” than in previous years (not that I don’t wish for my beard of yore — I do). Laura would likely know what that chunk of hair directly below the bottom lip is called, but I don’t. Generally, men have a patch of facial hair that does not extend across the entirety of the lower lip, leaving hairless flesh. Not me. Mine extends across the entire length of my lower lip. That makes up for my lack of any chest hair whatsoever, but that’s a different story.

Anyway, the problems I have encountered with my facial hair:

1 ) When it’s just growing out, the wife (no longer) doesn’t like to kiss you; it hurts.
2 ) When it’s longer and trimmed, it tickles the aforementioned woman so she doesn’t like to kiss you.
3 ) My mustache sticks straight out for the first half inch instead of dropping immediately, so I tend to singe it when I smoke.
4 ) Wearing hair-bands in your beard at work looks goofy.
5 ) The hair-bands wear out FAST!
6 ) People think you’re less intelligent than you are.
7 ) People think you’re more wild-living than you are.
8 ) Brushing out beard tangles is much more painful than brushing out hair tangles.
9 ) Moving your beard out of the way of your shirt pocket gets old.
10 ) Ever get your beard caught in your belt buckle? It’s not fun.
11 ) Shampoo purchases are much more frequent than desirable.
12 ) Those Pepsi cans always capture an attached mustache hair! OUCH!!

3 Responses to “The Problem With Facial Hair”

  1. Laura said

    Remember what I said to you about randomness?….Exibit A

    And for the record, yes, beards are icky and scratchy. You also forgot to mention the leftovers you save in your beard…


  2. You also forgot to mention the leftovers you save in your beard…

    Remember, this is about problems with my beard, not features. And that is why I did not mention leftovers.


  3. Dana said

    I’ve had a beard, with very brief interruptions, since I was in my early twenties. Never ZZ Top length, in fact pretty much always trimmed length. I’d probably look younger without one, since my hair is still mostly brown, while my beard is more white than brown.

    But, I work outside a lot, and it’s a lot warmer in the winter to have a beard than not.

    And Laura is just jealous that she can’t grow one — Army regs, you know! 🙂


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